" LOVE'S LABOURS LOST "ACT I SCENE i

" ... I WANT YOU TO TAKE TWENTY DOLLARS ... ? ... GO TO THE " K - M A R T " ... ? IN PENN STATION ... ? ... BUY THE CHEAPEST TENNIS RACQUET YOU CAN FIND ...? ( ... IT OUGHTTA BE ABOUT FOURTEEN BUCKS ) ... ... BUY A CAN OF THREE NEW TENNIS BALLS ... ? ... THEN MEET ME AT TEN O ' CLOCK , TONIGHT ... ? ... AT THE MID - TOWN TENNIS CLUB ... !!! ... " Y O U " ... ? ARE GONNA BE MY N E W ... ? "TENNIS PARTNER " ... !! ... I JUST STARTED TAKING TENNIS LESSONS ... FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE ... !!! ... I NEED SOME - ONE TO PRACTICE WITH ... !!! ... I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND ANY - ONE ... ? WHO WANTS TO PLAY TENNIS WITH ME ... !!!! ... I EVEN CHECKED - OUT ... ? " C R A I G ' S - L I S T " ... ? ... LOOKING FOR TENNIS PARTNERS ... ? ... BUT ... ? ... EVERY - ONE OF THEM ... ? WHO POSTED ON " CRAIG'S LIST " ... ? ... SEEMED TO BE .... ? ... AN " EXPERT " ... THEY'RE LIKE ... " I'M A ..."3.5" !!! " ... " I'M A ... " 4 " !!! " ... " I'M A ... " 4.5 " !!!" ... " I'M A ... " 5 " !!!" ... ... THESE GUYS ... ? WOULD ... "KILL" ME ... ON THE COURT ... !!! ... NO - ONE WANTS TO PLAY A ... " BEGINNER " ... ? LIKE ... ? M E ... !!! ... SO ... ? " T H A T ' S " ... ???!! WHY I GOTTA PLAY ... ? " Y O U " ... !!!!". " ... I ' VE ... ? N E V E R PLAYED .... " TENNIS" ... ? IN MY LIFE ... !!!! ... I'VE ... ? N E V E R EVEN PICKED UP A TENNIS RACQUET .... ? ... IN MY ENTIRE LIFE ... !!!". " ... THAT'S ... ? PER FECT ... !!!! THAT WAY ... ? EVEN I ... ? ... CAN EASILY BEAT YOU ... !!!". " ...AND ... ? BESIDES ... ? HOW DO YOU ... K N O W ... ? ... THAT ALL THESE GUYS ... ? ... THESE POTENTIAL TENNIS PARTNERS ... ? ... ARE TELLING YOU ... ? THE TRUTH ... ? ABOUT THEIR TENNIS EXPERTISE ... ? ... LIKE GUYS LYING ABOUT THEIR ... " P E N I S " - SIZE ... ???!!! " ... OH YEAH , "BABY" ... !!! I'M "PACKIN' " NINE - AND - A HALF INCHES .... ... OF " MAN - MEAT " ... !!!" , " ...OH , YEAH ... ???!! WELL I GOT ABOUT ... " T E N " ... INCHES ... ... RIDIN' IN MY CROTCH ... !!!", ... THEY A L L LIE ... !!!!". ... MAYBE ... ? THEY'RE JUST ... ? L Y I N G ... ABOUT THEIR ABILITY LEVEL ... ? ". " ... I FIND IT VERY ... ? " THERAPEUTIC " ...!!! ... WHACKING A TENNIS - BALL WITH A RACQUET ... ? ... ALL I HAVE TO DO ... ? IS VISUALIZE ... ? THAT THE TENNIS BALL .. ? ... IS MY BOSS' H E A D ... !!! ... IT'S BETTER , AND CHEAPER THAN PAYING ... ? FOR A PSYCHO -THERAPIST ... !!! ... I CAN GET ALL OF MY AGGRESSION OUT ... THAT WAY ... !!!". ... WELL ... ? IT FIGURES ... ... "VALERIE" ... ? NEEDS TO HUMILATE SOME - ONE ... ANY -ONE ... ... EVEN IF THAT ... ? HAPPENS TO BE ... " M E " ... ???!!!! ... HER UN - EMPLOYED , UN - EMPLOY - ABLE , SHIFT - LESS , LAZY , ... " N E ' E R - D O - W E L L " ... MIDDLE - AGED "SLACKER" ... ... OF AN " E X " - HUSBAND ... !!! ... AFTER SUFFERING THE SEEMINGLY END - LESS HUMILIATIONS ... ALL DAY LONG ... ... AT THE HANDS OF ...? ... DOMINANT AGGRESIVE BOSSES ... ... DOMINANT AGGRESIVE BOY - FRIENDS .... ... AND ... ? HER DOMINEERING , AGGRESSIVE M O T H E R ... !!! ( MY ... ? " E X " - MOTHER - IN - LAW ... !!!!). " ...IF YOU BE ME TENNIS PARTNER , TONIGHT ... ? ... AND LET ME W I N ... ? ... I'LL PAY A L L YOUR BACK , UN - PAID MAINTANENCE BILLS ... ? ... AND THE LATE FEES ... ? ON YOUR CO - OP APPARTMENT FOR YOU ... !!!". " ...AND A L L ... ? I HAVE TO DO ... ? IS ... ? L O S E ... ? ". ... IT WAS THE EASIEST FIFTEEN HUNDRED DOLLARS ... ? I E V E R MADE ... !!!