"WHEN PANICK ATTACKS!!!"...CIRCA 4 0 4 B.C. (BEFORE THE CURRENT ERA)

"...THE GREEK GOD..."PAN"......PATRON OF SHEPHERDS......A "SATYR"...HALF-MAN...HALF-GOAT......PLAYED HIS FLUTES......"THE PIPES OF PAN"......INDUCING..."PANIC"......IN "ALL" ... WHO LISTENED TO THEM...... DREAMING OF A BURLESQUE STRIPPERS' PARADE...... ALL, MARCHING COMPLETELY " N A - K E D " ... ... DOWN THE MIDDLE OF AMSTERDAM AVENUE...!!!... INTERRUPTED BY REPEATED BANGING......ON MY FRONT DOOR......AND REPEATED RINGING OF MY FRONT-DOOR BELL......BANG !!! BANG !!! BANG !!!...RING!!! RING !!! RING !!!"...WHAT IS IT...???!!!"."...ARE YOU FUCKING - AROUND ON ME...???!!!"."...WHAT TIME IS IT...???!!!"."...FIVE O'CLOCK ...IN THE MORNING...!!! ...ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME....!!!??? ... CAN I COME IN...?"."...SURE..."."...I HAD A PANIC ATTACK...!!!...CAN I LAY DOWN IN BED NEXT TO YOU...?"."...OKAY..."."...I HAD A DREAM...A NIGHT-MARE......IN THIS DREAM...?...YOU WERE FUCKING SOME-ONE ELSE......YOU WERE FUCKING A "GAY" VERSION OF "BIG MIKE"...!!!...IT WAS "BIG MIKE"...?...ONLY "GAY"...!!!...YOU WERE FUCKING A "GAY" VERSION OF YOURSELF...!!...A " G A Y " B I G - M I K E ...!!!...ARE YOU "GAY"...!!!???"." ...UH...I DON'T KNOW... ... I'M ... JUST SORTA ..."CONFUSED"...I GUESS... ...MAYBE I AM... ...MAYBE I AM "GAY"...AFTER ALL...???!!! ...I MEAN..." N O "...!!!...NO!!! NO !!! NO !!!...OF COURSE " N O T " , DEAR...!!!...NO...!!! NO...!!! NO...!!!...I'M " N O T " G A Y...!!!...LOOK...? I TELLING YOU, I'M " N O T " G A Y ...!!! ...I SWEAR TO GOD...!!!"."...I'M "PSYCHIC", YOU KNOW......I HAVE A " M A G I C - E I G H T - B A L L "...!!!...I'M "NEVER" WRONG...!!!...IF I "DREAMED" THAT YOU WERE " G A Y " ...?...THEN...?..."YOU"...? REALLY "MUST" BE " G A Y ", B I G - M I K E ...!!!...AND ...? IF I "DREAMED" THAT YOU WERE CHEATING ON ME...?..."THAT" MEANS YOU "WERE" ACTUALLY CHEATING ON ME...!!!"....ARE YOU FUCKING-AROUND ... ? BEHIND MY BACK...???!!"."...NO!!NO!!NO!!!......OF COURSE, " N O T ", DEAR...!!!..."YOU"...? CALLING "ME"...? A LIAR...???!!!!...BUTT...?...IF YOU ARE SOOOOOOOOOO REALLY FUCKIN' "PSYCHIC"...?...I WONDER WHY...?...YOU DIDN'T SEE A RED-HAIRED, RETIRED BARNARD PROFESSOR OF SEVENTEENTH CENTURY ENGLISH LITERATURE...IN YOUR DREAM...?...A SEXY, SEX-A-GENARIAN, SIXTY-YEAR-OLD "RED-HOT" GRANDMA......WITH VIBRANT RED PUBIC HAIR......AND A GREAT, BIG, BEAUTIFUL SET OF " T I T S "...???!!!!(...YEAH...!!! I'M "BANGIN' " GRAND-MA...!!!)...SEE ANY-ONE LIKE ...." T H A T "...????!!!!...IN YOUR LITTLE FUCKIN ' " MA G I C - E I G H T - BA L L "...?...LATELY, "SWEETIE"...? HUH...?"."...Y'KNOW...?...I CAME BY HERE...AT "ELEVEN"...?...AND "YOU"...? WASN'T HOME...."."...WELLLLLLLLL...MUST'VE " J U S T " MISSED ME ... !!!!...CAME BACK ON A LATER TRAIN......AND...?..."GOOD" THING I "DIDN'T" SPEND THE NIGHT UP AT THE COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS CAMPUS...... LIKE SOME NAGGING, "CLING-Y", "NEED-Y", "WHINE-Y" , ... " INTELLECTUAL " , OLD " B I T C H "...?... BEGGED ME TO...!!! (THANK GOD !!!!)......OR I WOULD'VE HAD A LOT MORE EXPLAINING TO DO, NOW...!!!...AND..."DIS" - REGARD THOSE "FRESH" SCRATCH MARKS ... ...NEWLY CLAWED INTO MY BACK...!!!....THE ...UH..." C A T "....DID "THAT"...!!!...YEAH ...THAT'S RIGHT...... OOOOOOPS !!!...WAIT-A-MINUTE...!!!...I SUDDENLY REALIZE... I DON'T EVEN OWN A "CAT"...!!!...I MEAN......ONE OF MY ACUTELY PSYCHOTIC PATIENTS MUST'VE DONE "THAT"......WHEN HE ATTACKED ME ...BEFORE I HAD A CHANCE TO JAB HIM ......IN THE "ASS"...WITH HIS ANTI-PSYCHOTIC DRUGS...AND RESTRAIN HIM...!!!...YEAH...YEAH..."THAT'S" IT...!!!...NOW I REMEMBER...!!!...BUT THAT " S T I L L " DOESN'T MAKE ME " G A Y "...!!!"."...I AM YOUR STALKER...!!!...NOW...? IT'S "OFFICIAL"...!!!...I'M GONNA DRIVE BY HERE ...EVERY NIGHT ...AT PRECISELY ELEVEN P.M. ... ... IN MY LUXURY "LEXUS" SEDAN...?(...WITH ITS OPTIONAL POWER WINDOWS, DOORS - LOCKS, AND " MOON-ROOF " ...... AND "ANTI-LOCK BRAKING SYSTEM"...)...JUST TO CHECK ON YOU...!!!...AND IF I DON'T FIND YOU AT HOME...!!!???...I'LL LEAVE A BIG , BLOODY "BEEF-HEART"...ON YOUR FRONT DOORSTEP...!!!...ALONG WITH A BOUQUET OF A DOZEN " B L A C K " ROSES...A BUTCHER - KNIFE......AND A SMALL VIAL OF MY "OWN" MENSTRUAL BLOOD...!!!...YOU...BIG...FAT...UGLY...VERY " G A Y " - B I G - M I K E, YOU...!!!"."..."M I C H A E L "...?... LISTEN TO ME...?... " Y O U "...? " YOU " ...? ARE A TERRRRRIBLE LIAR...!!!... SO WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO...?... IS TO "WRITE-DOWN"...?...EXACTLY "WHICH" LIES...?...YOU TOLD TO WHICH ... OF "ALL" YOUR LITTLE "GIRLIES"...!!!!...SO...? "THAT" WAY...?...YOU WILL REMEMBER "WHICH" LIES...? YOU TOLD TO "WHO"...!!!"."...THANK YOU..." DOCTOR ELLIE ROTHSCHILDE , M . D . "...!!!".