"WHEN PANICK ATTACKS!!!"...CIRCA 4 0 4 B.C. (BEFORE THE CURRENT ERA)

"...THE GREEK GOD..."PAN"......PATRON OF SHEPHERDS......A "SATYR"...HALF-MAN...HALF-GOAT......PLAYED HIS FLUTES......"THE PIPES OF PAN"......INDUCING..."PANIC"......IN "ALL" ... WHO LISTENED TO THEM...... DREAMING OF A BURLESQUE STRIPPERS' PARADE...... ALL, MARCHING COMPLETELY " N A - K E D " ... ... DOWN THE MIDDLE OF AMSTERDAM AVENUE...!!!... INTERRUPTED BY REPEATED BANGING......ON MY FRONT DOOR......AND REPEATED RINGING OF MY FRONT-DOOR BELL......BANG !!! BANG !!! BANG !!!...RING!!! RING !!! RING !!!"...WHAT IS IT...???!!!"."...ARE YOU FUCKING - AROUND ON ME...???!!!"."...WHAT TIME IS IT...???!!!"."...FIVE O'CLOCK ...IN THE MORNING...!!! ...ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME....!!!??? ... CAN I COME IN...?"."...SURE..."."...I HAD A PANIC ATTACK...!!!...CAN I LAY DOWN IN BED NEXT TO YOU...?"."...OKAY..."."...I HAD A DREAM...A NIGHT-MARE......IN THIS DREAM...?...YOU WERE FUCKING SOME-ONE ELSE......YOU WERE FUCKING A "GAY" VERSION OF "BIG MIKE"...!!!...IT WAS "BIG MIKE"...?...ONLY "GAY"...!!!...YOU WERE FUCKING A "GAY" VERSION OF YOURSELF...!!...A " G A Y " B I G - M I K E ...!!!...ARE YOU "GAY"...!!!???"." ...UH...I DON'T KNOW... ... I'M ... JUST SORTA ..."CONFUSED"...I GUESS... ...MAYBE I AM... ...MAYBE I AM "GAY"...AFTER ALL...???!!! ...I MEAN..." N O "...!!!...NO!!! NO !!! NO !!!...OF COURSE " N O T " , DEAR...!!!...NO...!!! NO...!!! NO...!!!...I'M " N O T " G A Y...!!!...LOOK...? I TELLING YOU, I'M " N O T " G A Y ...!!! ...I SWEAR TO GOD...!!!"."...I'M "PSYCHIC", YOU KNOW......I HAVE A " M A G I C - E I G H T - B A L L "...!!!...I'M "NEVER" WRONG...!!!...IF I "DREAMED" THAT YOU WERE " G A Y " ...?...THEN...?..."YOU"...? REALLY "MUST" BE " G A Y ", B I G - M I K E ...!!!...AND ...? IF I "DREAMED" THAT YOU WERE CHEATING ON ME...?..."THAT" MEANS YOU "WERE" ACTUALLY CHEATING ON ME...!!!"....ARE YOU FUCKING-AROUND ... ? BEHIND MY BACK...???!!"."...NO!!NO!!NO!!!......OF COURSE, " N O T ", DEAR...!!!..."YOU"...? CALLING "ME"...? A LIAR...???!!!!...BUTT...?...IF YOU ARE SOOOOOOOOOO REALLY FUCKIN' "PSYCHIC"...?...I WONDER WHY...?...YOU DIDN'T SEE A RED-HAIRED, RETIRED BARNARD PROFESSOR OF SEVENTEENTH CENTURY ENGLISH LITERATURE...IN YOUR DREAM...?...A SEXY, SEX-A-GENARIAN, SIXTY-YEAR-OLD "RED-HOT" GRANDMA......WITH VIBRANT RED PUBIC HAIR......AND A GREAT, BIG, BEAUTIFUL SET OF " T I T S "...???!!!!(...YEAH...!!! I'M "BANGIN' " GRAND-MA...!!!)...SEE ANY-ONE LIKE ...." T H A T "...????!!!!...IN YOUR LITTLE FUCKIN ' " MA G I C - E I G H T - BA L L "...?...LATELY, "SWEETIE"...? HUH...?"."...Y'KNOW...?...I CAME BY HERE...AT "ELEVEN"...?...AND "YOU"...? WASN'T HOME...."."...WELLLLLLLLL...MUST'VE " J U S T " MISSED ME ... !!!!...CAME BACK ON A LATER TRAIN......AND...?..."GOOD" THING I "DIDN'T" SPEND THE NIGHT UP AT THE COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS CAMPUS...... LIKE SOME NAGGING, "CLING-Y", "NEED-Y", "WHINE-Y" , ... " INTELLECTUAL " , OLD " B I T C H "...?... BEGGED ME TO...!!! (THANK GOD !!!!)......OR I WOULD'VE HAD A LOT MORE EXPLAINING TO DO, NOW...!!!...AND..."DIS" - REGARD THOSE "FRESH" SCRATCH MARKS ... ...NEWLY CLAWED INTO MY BACK...!!!....THE ...UH..." C A T "....DID "THAT"...!!!...YEAH ...THAT'S RIGHT...... OOOOOOPS !!!...WAIT-A-MINUTE...!!!...I SUDDENLY REALIZE... I DON'T EVEN OWN A "CAT"...!!!...I MEAN......ONE OF MY ACUTELY PSYCHOTIC PATIENTS MUST'VE DONE "THAT"......WHEN HE ATTACKED ME ...BEFORE I HAD A CHANCE TO JAB HIM ......IN THE "ASS"...WITH HIS ANTI-PSYCHOTIC DRUGS...AND RESTRAIN HIM...!!!...YEAH...YEAH..."THAT'S" IT...!!!...NOW I REMEMBER...!!!...BUT THAT " S T I L L " DOESN'T MAKE ME " G A Y "...!!!"."...I AM YOUR STALKER...!!!...NOW...? IT'S "OFFICIAL"...!!!...I'M GONNA DRIVE BY HERE ...EVERY NIGHT ...AT PRECISELY ELEVEN P.M. ... ... IN MY LUXURY "LEXUS" SEDAN...?(...WITH ITS OPTIONAL POWER WINDOWS, DOORS - LOCKS, AND " MOON-ROOF " ...... AND "ANTI-LOCK BRAKING SYSTEM"...)...JUST TO CHECK ON YOU...!!!...AND IF I DON'T FIND YOU AT HOME...!!!???...I'LL LEAVE A BIG , BLOODY "BEEF-HEART"...ON YOUR FRONT DOORSTEP...!!!...ALONG WITH A BOUQUET OF A DOZEN " B L A C K " ROSES...A BUTCHER - KNIFE......AND A SMALL VIAL OF MY "OWN" MENSTRUAL BLOOD...!!!...YOU...BIG...FAT...UGLY...VERY " G A Y " - B I G - M I K E, YOU...!!!"."..."M I C H A E L "...?... LISTEN TO ME...?... " Y O U "...? " YOU " ...? ARE A TERRRRRIBLE LIAR...!!!... SO WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO...?... IS TO "WRITE-DOWN"...?...EXACTLY "WHICH" LIES...?...YOU TOLD TO WHICH ... OF "ALL" YOUR LITTLE "GIRLIES"...!!!!...SO...? "THAT" WAY...?...YOU WILL REMEMBER "WHICH" LIES...? YOU TOLD TO "WHO"...!!!"."...THANK YOU..." DOCTOR ELLIE ROTHSCHILDE , M . D . "...!!!".

"...ONE DAY A "CONQUEROR"..? THE NEXT...? A "REFUGEE' " !!!

"... WALKED INSIDE THE "REGISTRAR'S OFFICE".. ... AFTER FIVE WEEKS ... " UN - EMPLOYED "... " ... HEY...!!! LOOK ... !!! I FOUND A " QUARTER "...!!!". ... TEEN - AGED BLACK - GIRL ... SQUATS DOWN ... ... HER FADED BLUE DENIM MICRO - MINI - SKIRT ... ... HIKED - UP HER HONEY - COLOURED THIGHS ... ... PICKS - UP THE COIN ... FROM THE RATTY - GREY , WORN INSTITUTIONAL CARPET ... ( "... THAT " QUARTER " ...??!! WAS SUPPOSED TO BE "MINE"...!!! ... " B I T C H "...!!!"). "...I'M THE "NURSE"...THE "AGENCY" SENT ME... ...TO VACCINATE YOUR IN - COMING STUDENTS...". ..."THESE"...? ..."AREN'T" ..."COLLEGE KIDS"... ..." THEY " ARE ... NINETEEN... AND TWENTY - YEAR - OLD ... " EX - CONS " ... ..." HIGH - SCHOOL - " DROP - OUTS "..." WELFARE - TO - WORK - FARE " ...RECIPIENTS... ...."GRATE-FULLY RECOVERING"...DOPE FIENDS...DRUG ADDICTS...AND ALCOHOLICS... ..."COURT-MANDATED" ...TO "RE-HAB"... ..."DUMB - ASS" LOSERS... (... "FREAKS" ..." FAGS "....AND "FELONS "....!!!). ..."THEY" OPEN THE ... " OPTOMETRISTS" OFFICE " ...WHICH DOUBLES AS THE TEACHING LAB ...FOR ASPIRING " OCULISTS "... ...SO I CAN BEGIN THE IMMUNIZATIONS... ...THERE'S A "QUARTER"...SITTING ON THE RATTY - GREY, WORN INSTITUTIONAL CARPET... ... " THAT 'S " MY " QUARTER " ... !!!! ... I CAN CALL THAT SEX - A - GENARIAN RETIRED BARNARD PROFESSOR... ... UP AT "COLUMBIA'S" ...MORNINGSIDE CAMPUS...ON CLAREMONT AVENUE... ... IF I OFFER TO "... EAT HER PUSSY...?" (...WITH HER VIBRANT RED PUBIC - HAIR...?) ...SHE "JUST" MIGHT BUY ME DINNER...? ...LET ME STAY " OVER - NIGHT "...? ...SO'S I CAN GET UP TO THE WASHINGTON HEIGHTS CAMPUS...OF "INTERBORO COLLEGE" ...ON AUDOBON AVENUE... ...SAVE ME A TWO - HOUR TRIP ... FROM LONG ISLAND... ...AND A FIVE DOLLAR TRAIN - TICKET ON THE LIRR... ..."ALL"...? FOR THE "COST"...OF A "FOUND" QUARTER...? ...DIS-COVERED ON A RATTY - GREY , WORN INSTITUTIONAL CARPET ...? ... AT A " THIRD - RATE " VOCATIONAL SCHOOL'S FLOOR...!!! ... I ONCE "SAT" IN JUDGEMENT...? ...ON A GIRL...WHO "FUCKED" SOME GUY... A "STRANGER"...FOR A "FELAFEL SANDWICH"... ...SHE SAW ME SITTING AT THE BAR OF THE "BOWERY POETRY CLUB"... "...HEY, "BIG MIKE"...SEE THAT "GUY" ...SITTING AT THE END OF THE BAR...? ...I MET HIM ON "CRAIG'S LIST"...WE'RE ON A "DATE"...? ..."HE"...? WON'T BUY ME DINNER...!!! ...I'M STARVING...I HAVEN'T EATEN "ALL" DAY...AND "HE"..? WON'T BUY ME DINNER...???!!! ...WHAT A "DOUCHE - BAG"...!!! ...I'M GONNA "DITCH" HIM...RIGHT HERE....AND NOW...!!! ...I'M HUNGRY... ...HEY, "BIG MIKE"...? ...DO YOU KNOW ANY GUY HERE...? WHO WOULD BUY ME A "FELAFEL SANDWICH"...? ...IF I "FUCKED" HIM...?". "...YEAH..."ANDY"...IN THE CORNER , THERE... ...BUT...? YA GOTTA BE "QUICK"...ABOUT IT... ...THE UNITED STATES IMMIGRATION AND NATURALIZATION SERVICE ...? IS DEPORTING HIM BACK TO "CANADA"...? IN THE MORNING... ...AS AN "UN-DESIRE-ABLE ALIEN"...!!!". ...THEY GOT "MIGHTY COSY" IN A DARK CORNER OF THE BAR... ...LEFT THE CAFE'...TOGETHER...? ...SHE RETURNED...ALONE...TWO HOURS LATER... ...EATING A " FELAFEL SANDWICH "...!!!...A SELF-SATISFIED "SMIRK"...PLASTERED ACROSS HER FACE...!!!!...I ONCE STOOD IN JUDGEMENT OVER A GIRL... ..WHO FUCKED A GUY...A CANADIANILLEGAL ALIEN... ...FOR A "FELAFEL SANDWICH "...!!!... SOOOOOOOOOOOOO...?...I TOOK THAT "FOUND" QUARTER...AND MADE A CALL...FROM A PUBLIC PAY-PHONE......I "HOOKED-UP"... WITH THE RETIRED BARNARD PROFESSOR OF ENGLISH LITERATURE... ...THE SEXY... " SEX - A - GENARIAN "... ...AT "AMIR'S FELAFEL"...ON UPPER BROADWAY... ...I WAS "FUCKING" STARVING... ...HADN'T EATEN "ALL" DAY... ...SHE BOUGHT ME A "FELAFEL SANDWICH"... ...I WAS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO "FUCKING "GRATE-FULL..? ... I "F U C K E D " HER...!!! ...AND "ALL"...? ...FOR THE COST OF A FOUND "QUARTER"... ...DISCOVERED ON THE WORN, RATTY- GREY INSTITUTIONAL CARPET... ...ON THE FLOOR OF A " THIRD - RATE " VOCATIONAL COLLEGE...!!!!...YEAH...I FUCKED A SENIOR CITIZEN...FOR A FELAFEL SANDWICH...!!!...YEAH...I "BANGED" GRANNY...FOR A FREE MEAL...!!!... I ONCE SAT IN JUDGEMENT ON A GIRL... WHO FUCKED A GUY... ...A STRANGER...FOR A FUCKIN' "FELAFEL SANDWICH"... "...JUDGE NOT... ....LEST YE BE "JUDGED"...!!!". ...A SINCERE TRIBUTE TO SAINT " CHARLES BUKOWSKI "...".